So many things are filled with the intent to be lost, that their loss is no disaster

"The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster."

This poem by Elizabeth Bishop has always held its deep meaning to me. its like one of
those poems you'd want to be engraved on your epitaph or something.
actually when i think ov it, i wouldn't want it really.
i mean , i don wanna die such a sad person. I'd want an army ov grandchildren crying their asses off when i die.

And i want to die beautifully. I should win the award for the most beautiful corpse ever. this does not mean i wanna die young, it just means i wanna stay beautiful when I'm old.
I've always found old beauty more intriguing than young.
I mean there's always something exotic about beautiful old ladies, which is non existent in the young ones. I especially have this thing for the laugh lines, the creases you get at the edge ov your eyes due to years of them folding up when you laugh . them creases say so much, even when they're silent.

So, today i cleaned up the clutter in my room , it was becoming a huge mess with books all over the place. i hate throwing away books, i refuse to give away; even the small sketch books i have, the ones where I've drawn those brown hills and snow covered houses and painted them with camlin crayons.
i never throw away things.
today i realised that I've got almost 100 kgs of books n registers from 11th n 12th alone. its not even funny. when you have science as your senior year subjects, it SHOWS!
I decided to give them all away becz they are really of no use to me, and frankly, eleventh and twelfth grade better be forgot.
There is nothing cute about registers having yellow pages filled with physics derivations and notebooks with biology diagrams all across the pages.
don't even mention chemistry, organic sucked my blood. now when i think ov it, i really liked in-organic though i always complained what morons Morrison-Boyd are.

As i piled everything up and was gonna tell my servant to take it away, i gave it one last glance and suddenly it all came flashing back. Its so difficult to let go of books. they like define us, they make us what we are. they define that period. that time we went through.
I never keep diaries. there is something unbearably sad about diaries and journals.
or maybe they're just not my thing.

I hate nostalgia too. i would do anything to avoid the grim nostalgic feelings.
William Shakespeare says:"Absence from those we love is self from self - a deadly banishment."
whatev dude. but i hate it.

As i bid farewell to two years of mutual love, i decided to take a parting shot, here be a pic of my lovely little lumps of books.
love them to pieces.

if any ov yoo are wondering why i haven't been writing, here's the answer. I'm dead busy and i don feel like blogging too much anyway. I've become a lazy baby. :)
my bad.
Having tons of application work to do also helps. My school counselor is a scary mofo.period.
anyhoo, all's well in my part ov the world.
take care ov yoo, so long amigos.

Surviving. Or so it would seem.

All your life you wait for something and it turns out to be just the way you didn't want it to be.
have you ever felt like the worst version of yourself? has it ever occurred to you that you do stuff you don't feel for, you say stuff you don't mean??
let me explain.
sometimes in life, we actually don't realise that we're defying our own principles and then we're jacked. the worst thing you can do to yourself is fall from grace in your own eyes.
why does it happen that sometimes we let ourselves get carried away? why do we let things or emotions rule us? i think its like getting drunk.
we all have our ways ov looking at it.
I, personally, am downright against it, but if i let someone make me drink, am i demeaning myself? yes! absolutely. because I'm going against myself. I am , all i have. if i cannot respect my own terms and conditions, who will?

this is exactly what we fail to realise. people are getting forced into things everyday and everywhere. be it drugs , sex, alcohol, doping, anything.
its not about the substance, its about the affect it has on you. and the worst part is when you are teh one living in denial.
yes, denial, we all live in it sometimes. we deny because the truth freakin hurts. and we don't have the flickin guts to tolerate it.
but yes, when we do, when we come to terms with it, we surpass ourselves. we actually reach ourselves. its a cognitive experience, its spiritual.
it almost equals salvation. its that pure.
i can, promise this, that once you realise your "own " thing, and you can stand for that one thing you believe in,that's exactly when you've found yourself. its profound in the true sense of the word.

knowing that I'm independent , my own person and internally strong enuff to do what i;m doing and retain my senses in spite ov the numerous external factors, is the biggest high. its like ethereal.
that's when you're safe. when you are your savior. when you can defend yourself.
all i wanna say is, I'm writing for myself, becz i wanna retain this being right now, i wanna capture it, and i want you all to read it, if it makes any sense to you.
i wanna tell you that its real easy to give up, to let go, whats difficult is to stand it, to fight the battle and not sacrifice what you stand for, never ever let anyone tell you different.
cz then you'll regret it your entire life.

its like a flash ball hitting you, more like a falling star. it comes for a moment. that . one. moment. that one moment defines you.
it defines all that you are and all that you're made of. if you can stand your ground or you can let the waves sweep the earth under your feet.
listen to me, never defy yourself , you wont hate anything more.

you got your faith. you gotta protect it.

the thing with this conversation/blog post is that its different from any of the ones i've written before, because its not the talk I'm having with walls, if you get what i mean.
if you don't get whats happening here, don't worry, you will someday.

Movin on, its 9th november,Diwali. The big daddy of all indian festivals.
i dont intend to burst any crackers for some reason. and i dont like them anyway.
So Happy Diwali folks.
Be safe.