Hitting bottom

I've been under major stress off late and it has got nothing to do with minor frivolous stupid things in life. I'm not a teenager anymore and i have mighty issues facing me, for example my college apps. Well, for some reason I don wanna discuss any of the afore mentioned crap over here. But what i do wanna discuss is a certain pattern that I've observed during this whole time.

I hibernate, curl into my own shell whenever something doesn't go my way.
I -fight -alone.
I don't let anyone help me , in fact I banish all chances and sources of any help coming my way. Its funny but true. I am a control freak, i am firm and self obsessed. I always knew this. But was i a loner of sorts? Boy i didn't know that!
Now that it has occured to me , this quote from fight club makes more sense than ever...
Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!"-Tyler durden in fight club

That one frigging moment, when you see everything going awry, when all you ever worked your butt off for doesnt go right, when that one thing thats dearer to you than life falls apart, when "the plan" going absolutely dysfunctional, THAT'S when you realise that this is definitely not something you want again,
and then again, you realise , this is not something you can help.
I cannot go and sit in the university offices and make sure they get my SAT scores and neither can i bang college board in the head and make them work for me.
All i can do is be patient and let-people-help-me.
But i guess that's something i haven't learned.

I am an impatient independent ass who doesn't realise that, letting others help wouldn't make her any smaller. Even emotional and moral support is mighty helpful but then i am stubborn and i don't listen and guess what, I pay for it.
But then again, I'm happy, because at the end of the day , its MY way.

All said and done, I still know I'm gonna maintain my usual hibernating self but what i do know is, next time my best friend asks me whats wrong , I'm not gonna declare him/her a fool and actually make them understand whats troubling me.
because who knows that might help.
cz as of now, I do not paint a pretty picture.

PS Today is the day Daniel Pearl was kidnapped. I feel for that man from that place deep inside from where i feel for my mother or my sister. If only I knew how to help, I would. I really wish I'm unselfish enough to do my bit for the world when i actually am in a position to do so, after a couple of years. till then i guess, I'll just help myself. eh?

PPS This is one helluva rushed post. My bad.

There is a way to be good again

That's a line from the fountainhead, but that's not the point.
I swore that I'd never ever let this become one of those sickening relationship blogs. No offence to all you people who write them out there, but it;s just not my thing.
But sometimes, people affect you. In ways that can be understood and revealed only when felt. Un explainable.
Have you ever lived through someone vicariously? Literally feel every thing they're feeling. breathe every step of the way, their pain, misery and healing??
This is not about me. This is about someone whose been through hell and back and i've travelled along.

***

" There's a way to be good again. I promise."
" If only , for just one frigging second, I could rip away all this pain and longing from my heart anu, I'd live for that one moment"

***
She fleets around. Numb from pain. Eyes looking so beautiful with all the red pain in them. My baby , the woman i love so much. The best friend. The pillar. The soul sister. MY Bitch.
" I'm fine. I'm all over what has happened. This is a clean slate and i'm starting fresh."
"All i want you to know is, I'm there hanging on. Whatever the case maybe."
" I know. and I'll be fine"
"yes you will be. "

***
So anyone can figure out the problem here.
Have i ever explicitly written over here? hmm...oh no , I haven't.
Well, Now i will. I'm shit scared of love. Its a beast. It rips you apart.
It messes you up! That quote by Neil gaiman, it's so fucking true.

I've written this because i somehow wanna vent it out.
Seeing someone so close to your heart suffer, and staring at their disheartened almost- dead face, blank and lifeless ,and being able to do nothing about it is the most fucked up feeling in the world.
Why is the most beautiful emotion in the world also the most ruining one??

If only i could make her feel better again. Make her believe its all gonna be fine again. explain to her that, that's the thing about life. WE gotta move on. No matter how intense the heart ache maybe.

Inflicting hope into someone is one of my best qualities and I make intense use of it whenever i can .
But sometimes the situation is so brutal, even the most darned awesome techniques don't work.
When I'm talking to people who depend on me for happiness ( especially when they are in genuine need), I feel like an ER doctor. Like I'm on my breath and I gotta pump life into the person. That's like the job at hand. Get-the-person-out-of-it.
NOW.
I always have it all worked out.

But today i felt like I lost. I couldn't make the person survive. The patient died on the table. Love is like the ultimate nightmare. It's like multiple organ failure with cardiac arrest. Even the best of the best doesn't work.
That state, when you just stare into the eyes hoping things to change,but all you get back is dead expression and a lost will.
If only you could do something about it.

and then those words ,
" No but I'll be fine.
I will be, right??"

***
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
- Neil Gaiman

Amazingly self absorbed MOST of the time.

Tis like 2 in the night, and i just finished watching a will smith movie.
jEsus! every time i watch some of his movies, i cant help but think how fuckin kick ass he is. he comes right after Clint Eastwood and Lance Armstrong in MY LIST.
actually move it up a notch, he's at par with lance. or a bit more. come awn, i just watched his movie, and i play UNFAIR :D
And ofcourse, the dude got into MIT too, no shit! talk about being multi talented eh?

Anyway today i was sick. So i got a blood test done and guess what my haemoglobin is?? its like 14!!
holy shit! My blood is like BLACK if you look at it in the bottle. that tiny transparent bottle with the rubber cork.

Btw I like syringes and there's something really likable about someone sucking out blood from your veins with them. so my left arm pains because of it but its all cool.
some of you might think I'm retarded and leave. that is the easier way.
if you're stronger, keep reading :P
he he.

So today was like FUN.
I actually bought 3 salwar kameezes ( slick Indian wear for those who don't know).
the deal is, this havan-pooja thing's comin up and when i scanned my wardrobe, i realised i don't have shit to wear for it. and for that matter, any indian ritual et al that happens.
i mean, woah! i was like, hold it, so i don't have any indian clothes except that one suit i bought for the farewell in 11th. that sucks. i shud be disgusted with myself.
but now i bought like 3 so yaay :)

By the way, all you Delhi folk, you must visit Citywalk in saket, its like a uber cool mall. really awesome. you like lose it in there. and they have fcuk :D
ya baby.

Anyway, since quite sometime, I've been meaning to write a post on why facebook is THE shit .
look what happened today, i have this friend whose been dating this guy since like the 8th grade and we're like chums. and then today i have it in my update thingy that she's single.I was totally wacked out. and i was like, WOW this is how i come to know abt it.
Blame it on facebook.
and then there's this Compare people app which says that the people in my community have voted for me as 2nd best mother( potential) or something.

Jesus Christ!!! i have tears in my eyes!
Wait theres more, there's another thing called SuperPoke which is the funniest shit ever.
people who got the app can like do loads of stuff to folks in their friend list, stuff like... defenestrate them, kiss them, cuddle them, lick them (eww) and then you get mails like, Xyz has thrown a cake at you, would you wanna kiss them, hug them, lucky poke them back??
there's an indian version of it called desi poke which is such kick ass fun that i cant even mention anything about it here.

nuff for one time haan?
last bit, today i was running temperature, and my whole body was aching like hell , but i STILL worked out. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

"That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger"
Gotta love Friedrich Nietzsche :)

PS All of you go listen to Light Years by Pearl Jam. Just go do it. And eat Lindt dark chocolate while you're at it. All hail the man who created Lindt.

PPS The wonder years is the best thing that happened to television. and i like it that its aired at 1130 pm.

PPPS The following pic has nothing to do with the contents of the post.


[ For raghav, that's Romeo's latest pica, you asked for it :)
Romeo's my dog people, for those who don't know]

Through it, in it, over and above it.

I did not make any new year resolutions. Not even one.
Though i have been pretty religious and devoted with what I'm supposed to do. I do what i'm supposed to do.
Another thing, I'm one of those people who never listen to pods n shit when they're running( for work out purposes). but recently i initiated music into my jogs and its pretty useful. i don't realise when i finish an hour.

continuing with my tradition of digressing, I'd like to mention here that 50 minutes ago, i had one ov those adult talks with my mom. no, not the birds-bees.
but serious adult talk.
the kind which makes you realise that ,
Wake up! you're like grown up now! you gotta get hold of yourself!
i don't like realisations, because, you guessed it right, they make you realise things which is painful. I like living in denial.

And well, have you ever had someone you thought of as Lord Zeus or something bare their vulnerable side to you?
listen to this, i mean we all have some people who we sorta depend on, the kinder people we know will stick it out in the most horriblest of times. the kinder people who're like made of steel or something. we all have our rocks of Gibraltars.
But when these people show the darned fragile side to you, you see a part of you break up with them.
its like your whole belief system crumbling down. and that's when you realise, you gotta do something about it.
and you're like forced to accept the real world as it is. and DEAL with it.
At some point of time , we all leave the protective shields but innit hard to even think ov it?
Gotta survive it. Its like the natural theory of selection. you gotta get through it to make it.
But when it hits you, it does. and you cant breathe anymore.
Not pretty.

Read this:
"Life & Death
energy & Peace
if I stopped today
it was fun
The mistakes I've made and unmade if I could,
Even the terrible pains that have burnt me & scarred
my soul it was worth it for having been allowed to
walked where I've walked. Which was to hell on earth
Heaven on earth back again, into, under, far in between,
through it, in it, over and above it."

PS. Not another of my charmed world posts. I accept.

This & That

I know you all missed me terribly, my apologies for not being there through Christmas and neighboring crap. ah well..new years' was good.
if i said, i had a blast, THAT would be an understatement!! but i managed to binge a lot which disrupted my otherwise organic diet schedule and of course which meant working extra hours at the gym today.

i am away from home and so am forced to work on the laptop which is utterly pissing off. I love my PC and i do not like this thing below my fingers right now,though i know i have to survive it for another i-dunno-how-many-days.

so dad got me a new phone for Christmas because my older phone had become a dead memory less , battery less piece of scum and it resembled an Iraqi bomb keeping in mind the sheer number of times the poor thing was dropped... i managed to look awesome on new years as usual but this time round i didn't dance as much as i do usually.
right now I'm pissed at my mom becz she refuses to listen to me when i ask her to switch off the tv . she watches all sorts of shitty news channels which show everything except meaningful current events. im seriously not interested in knowing why amitabh bachchan goes to temples a zillion times or why sanya mirza's skirts create a furor. but my parents don't listen to me, poor things need to learn so much in life.

meaningful reminds me, this years been eventful but not exactly meaningful. i've had so much of stuff happen to me but that feelin of contentment is lacking.
i'm 18 but i feel like i've seen plenty in life, i already seek stuff thats beyond me. i'm so done with frivolous stuff. shallow people, shady friendships, phoney relationships. bleh.
i also realised this year that i have the most rockin will power ever,and I'm so effin proud of myself. and i seriously love the person that i see in the mirror!

I'm listenin to dolly parton right now which is so not -me and I'm eatin papaya.
yesterday night at the new year's partey, i had champagne with my dad. i consider it quite a marked thing . it meant i have grown up and i can share a drink with my folks who're generally treating me like lil miss sunshine.

i have also sent in all my college applications , paper as well as online and i displayed positive signs of obsessive compulsive disorder during the whole process , i checked my stuff around seven times and i wasn't satisfied even then.
after i sent everything i went over to priya and lazed around at chokola having what i call some of the best hot chocolate in Delhi.

i have realised that this has shaped into my most random and badly arranged posts ever and hence the suitable title.
this is what happens to me when i blog after a long haul. I'm gonna try to be more regular from now on but I'm not promising anything since I'm an utterly whimsical person which most of you already know by now.
if you observe hints of cynicism and irritation in this post, don't blame yourself, i'm pretty annoyed at teh moment.

will take leave by posting a pic of mine which i took before i left for the new year party, my face has been edited out for obvious reasons. this is for my dear reader raghav who was dying to know what i wore for noo ear.



yanyway, happy new year to all you wunnerful readers.
see you around soon :]

PS The bear and pooh pillow are old possessions. do not form opinions.
PPS on second thoughts, you can actually form them, since they are, for that matter, possessions after all.