That's a line from the fountainhead, but that's not the point.
I swore that I'd never ever let this become one of those sickening relationship blogs. No offence to all you people who write them out there, but it;s just not my thing.
But sometimes, people affect you. In ways that can be understood and revealed only when felt. Un explainable.
Have you ever lived through someone vicariously? Literally feel every thing they're feeling. breathe every step of the way, their pain, misery and healing??
This is not about me. This is about someone whose been through hell and back and i've travelled along.
***
" There's a way to be good again. I promise."
" If only , for just one frigging second, I could rip away all this pain and longing from my heart anu, I'd live for that one moment"
***
She fleets around. Numb from pain. Eyes looking so beautiful with all the red pain in them. My baby , the woman i love so much. The best friend. The pillar. The soul sister. MY Bitch.
" I'm fine. I'm all over what has happened. This is a clean slate and i'm starting fresh."
"All i want you to know is, I'm there hanging on. Whatever the case maybe."
" I know. and I'll be fine"
"yes you will be. "
***
So anyone can figure out the problem here.
Have i ever explicitly written over here? hmm...oh no , I haven't.
Well, Now i will. I'm shit scared of love. Its a beast. It rips you apart.
It messes you up! That quote by Neil gaiman, it's so fucking true.
I've written this because i somehow wanna vent it out.
Seeing someone so close to your heart suffer, and staring at their disheartened almost- dead face, blank and lifeless ,and being able to do nothing about it is the most fucked up feeling in the world.
Why is the most beautiful emotion in the world also the most ruining one??
If only i could make her feel better again. Make her believe its all gonna be fine again. explain to her that, that's the thing about life. WE gotta move on. No matter how intense the heart ache maybe.
Inflicting hope into someone is one of my best qualities and I make intense use of it whenever i can .
But sometimes the situation is so brutal, even the most darned awesome techniques don't work.
When I'm talking to people who depend on me for happiness ( especially when they are in genuine need), I feel like an ER doctor. Like I'm on my breath and I gotta pump life into the person. That's like the job at hand. Get-the-person-out-of-it.
NOW.
I always have it all worked out.
But today i felt like I lost. I couldn't make the person survive. The patient died on the table. Love is like the ultimate nightmare. It's like multiple organ failure with cardiac arrest. Even the best of the best doesn't work.
That state, when you just stare into the eyes hoping things to change,but all you get back is dead expression and a lost will.
If only you could do something about it.
and then those words ,
" No but I'll be fine.
I will be, right??"
***
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
- Neil Gaiman
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
There is a way to be good again
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17 comments:
"You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it"
True as hell.
After reading this, it only makes it more compelling for a person to adore you. you don'y give people a choice do you? they just have to fall in love with you...
how can you not love someone whose so beautiful inside out.
"Love is like the ultimate nightmare. It's like multiple organ failure with cardiac arrest."
Holy shit! This shit is fucking true!!
Great blog you have out here.
Profound stuff.
That's the way of life
The longer you stay out of love, the longer you stay happy.
Love is the greatest gamble one can take in life.
@Nikhil: And you just have to be painfully nice to me , eh sugar?
@anonymous1: Yea, i thought that was the best way to describe it.
@anonymous2: No, thats the avoidable way of life.
@Ankit: Thats correct.
"But my five wits nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee"
-Shakespeare.
** As YOU very correctly pointed out :]
Love can be a motherfucker. We all make mistakes. We get in the wrong loves, we get out of them broken, bruised, battered, but somehow better. If not the lack of their love, the lack of the person and the closeness shared, the chance to hear their voice everyday and let loose, that's what you find yourself missing at the end. Sometimes, at its worst, we find ourselves unable to even bear the sound of that voice, both because of resentment for what its owner did, but for its ability to bring down walls put up to keep the same owner out of mind and in turn out of sight.
Still, love deserves one thing. It deserves for the one it hurt to try again. And again. And again. And again, and again, and again, and again and again and again. The right bearer of love is out there. Well I can't say I've personally found that love-bearer, but I hear other people have, so optimistically speaking, she'd just have to be there, right?
Oh what a web we weave...
When a spider weaves its web,
it hasn't home nor art in mind,
with every move in utmost care,
the trap is more refined.
It is a trap, but hardly seen,
though it glistens in the light -
and even to the keenest keen,
the view does not invite.
And yet you go, you see it not,
the trap 'twas laid so long for you
so, poor insect, when you're caught
would you bemoan the spider's glue?
Or would you see your foolishness,
and realize your own folly,
and this is but an insect's guess -
it would not make you jolly.
You look without and not within,
you cry your pain out to the world.
In life you do find ample sin,
why shouldn't then your life be furled?
The answer does not lie in love,
it lives not among merry priests,
you do not have a god above,
and not all people work for peace.
So if you do not want to die,
I am afraid it is too late,
but thank you for your wanton cry,
it warned us of the spider's bait.
@Raghav: Yes and as you very fondly noticed. Thats one of my favoritest sonnets. :)
@Reno:Yes, it kills us BUT it makes us stronger. After we come out ov it, we wouldn't want it any other way because i guess its like some sort of immunity you develop. Once you've fought the disease , you're better suited to fight it again and win the other time round.
But it does fuck you nevertheless.
Regarding the whole deal if that "someone" is there or not. Thats really for no one to answer, because no one CAN answer that question. Its a weird logic, which sometimes makes sense, but most of the times, we just comfort ourselves with it. Its like that one thing that keeps the faith intact and when you're love-fucked, your faith is precisely all you have.
@Anonymous:
"but thank you for your wanton cry,
it warned us of the spider's bait."
Sure. liek THAT helps.
Look, we all know its ruthless and horrifying but still, everyone goes for it. Human nature sucks I guess.
Oh and sweet stuff you write here :)
Special Note for Anony guys: As much as i love your comments ( especially the poem person), I'd love it if you would indicate which anonymous person you are like anony1, anony2 etc, because it's evident there are LOT of people out there who DONT want me to know who they are. *sigh*
So, I guess that makes love the only thing which can kill us, AND make us stronger.
Hmm. Aha! Some thing Anti-Nietzsche!!
I like love, nevertheless. It is human. And it is always there, and it is awesome. You can't ignore it forever.
I will try my best , to ignore it forever. I will try.
Sometimes, you disappoint me.
Don't be stupid, ignoring love is like the easiest thing ever.
@ramit: sometimes, people dissapoint me.
@anonymous: sure, u havent swum in shark infested waters yet i believe.
"There is a way to be good again"... this line also features several times in The Kite Runner...
Love is something that can't/needn't be described, but just because the concept that there "someone special" out there, waiting for us, is hyped up soooo much, we long to find that person ourselves, and sometimes even psyche ourselves into believing that we have found it.... Love ain't bad, but the sole devotion of love towards a single person is... love is all around us, we don't need to limit our perspective and look for it in a particular single entity/person.... thats just plain stupid... but we do it... u give them a piece of yourself, come out battered and believe you've turned out "stronger", but what you've just become is someone more emotionally numbed, waiting for another "special someone" to give you a high, so that you can love again....
SUCKS, i tell you....
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