Hitting bottom

I've been under major stress off late and it has got nothing to do with minor frivolous stupid things in life. I'm not a teenager anymore and i have mighty issues facing me, for example my college apps. Well, for some reason I don wanna discuss any of the afore mentioned crap over here. But what i do wanna discuss is a certain pattern that I've observed during this whole time.

I hibernate, curl into my own shell whenever something doesn't go my way.
I -fight -alone.
I don't let anyone help me , in fact I banish all chances and sources of any help coming my way. Its funny but true. I am a control freak, i am firm and self obsessed. I always knew this. But was i a loner of sorts? Boy i didn't know that!
Now that it has occured to me , this quote from fight club makes more sense than ever...
Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!"-Tyler durden in fight club

That one frigging moment, when you see everything going awry, when all you ever worked your butt off for doesnt go right, when that one thing thats dearer to you than life falls apart, when "the plan" going absolutely dysfunctional, THAT'S when you realise that this is definitely not something you want again,
and then again, you realise , this is not something you can help.
I cannot go and sit in the university offices and make sure they get my SAT scores and neither can i bang college board in the head and make them work for me.
All i can do is be patient and let-people-help-me.
But i guess that's something i haven't learned.

I am an impatient independent ass who doesn't realise that, letting others help wouldn't make her any smaller. Even emotional and moral support is mighty helpful but then i am stubborn and i don't listen and guess what, I pay for it.
But then again, I'm happy, because at the end of the day , its MY way.

All said and done, I still know I'm gonna maintain my usual hibernating self but what i do know is, next time my best friend asks me whats wrong , I'm not gonna declare him/her a fool and actually make them understand whats troubling me.
because who knows that might help.
cz as of now, I do not paint a pretty picture.

PS Today is the day Daniel Pearl was kidnapped. I feel for that man from that place deep inside from where i feel for my mother or my sister. If only I knew how to help, I would. I really wish I'm unselfish enough to do my bit for the world when i actually am in a position to do so, after a couple of years. till then i guess, I'll just help myself. eh?

PPS This is one helluva rushed post. My bad.