Single minded to the point of Recklessness

Maverick:" Too close for missles, I'm switching to guns".

have u ever scared yourself? no really, thats the question...like have u ever really scared you?
sometimes...we become so passionate about something that we start scaring ourselves...with our obsessiveness. i feel nothing good ever came out of normal efforts...if u want soemthing so hard...so bad ...u gotta be obsessed with it!
of late..i have realised that when i do get into somethin like really hard core! i start scarin myself...u know that feelin..
u eat with it. u sleep with it. u do everything with it in mind! i mean single minded to the point of recklessness!
what scares me is...what if THAT soemthin i desire so much leaves me feelin empty inside? i mean i've been here before. have u ever had this strong urge about somethin and then after havin it in ur hands ..u just let it slip away?
that feelin of emptiness...of not knowin what happened and not wanting to either?

i may not be makin the least sense to you people but its a serious concern for me. To me ..life is these straight words...want somethin.go get it.period.
but what after that?
what after u have that somethin? what do u do with it? what if its NOT what u wanted?? what if somethin that was supposed to leave u brimming with joy leaves u empty and devastated? well...devastated is a harsh word..i shud have thought before employin it!

if u've ever been utterly single minded abt soemthin...you'll realise u get this extreme power ...this un beating un- relenting strength inside...that makes u worthy of movin any mountain!!
when u're so indulged into somethin....the gravity of teh situation dawns on u! and all the what -ifs come into picture!
the only problem with being so immersed into things is....when u see them crashing down in front of u..when u see everythin fallin apart right under ur nose....and u cant help it! have u ever built a sand castle really fervently and with all your heart in it? and then have u seen the waves coming down on it and destryoing everything? THAT is what i'm talkin abt!

sometimes the vastness of somethin scares u...u yourself ..your own 'obsession and will' can scare u..its like the sky or maybe the water....imagine urself in teh middle of the ocean in the middle of the night with water everywhere...black water..and nowhere to go...
sometimes u really have no where to go...u cant run away from urself? and thats exactly what u want to do... u wanna escape ur thoughts! and ur own will.

anyway..of late i've been feelin thirsty all the time...wonder what it is...wonder what my system is upto? scary...eh?? :P

by the way i came to know yesterday what they do in the american slaughter houses....they take the lambs and all thsoe animals u guys love eating ....put them in boilin hot water till the time they're almost dead and then pull them out and lay them on the aseembly lines where they lie writhing in pain for a good 15 minutes and after the creatures are dead ...they're sent out to the exotic hotels where u dig a hole into ur pockets to pay for the check!
this is all it takes to make me stay off non veg forever. think abt this people! you cant do this to fellow earth in habitants. if thsi is what they do in america...i don even have teh courage to find out what happens in india!
its an issue. stop eatin it. its killin people!

passin thought:
“It is the calm and silent water that drowns a man”
-african proverb

The way i see it...

its been a harsh day..i got up in the morning with all the energy of a beaten up horse...
man! this migraine thing is killing me..if only they would research some medicine for migraine rather than burning brain fuel over clones and stem cells!
why...pray why i ask...is it necessary to have clones?? i mean anyway...one person is enough to bore the hell out of people around him,...we don want more of 'em sticking around...
bah! so then i thought...let me switch on this TV which i haven't seen in ages.
ages=a week by the way, and 10 minutes into watching it...i found myself annoyed already so i thought to myself..I'm better off without this...

as i was browsing through Sunday times the past weekend..i realised that they had removed the quotable quotes section from the paper...i looked around frantically ...trying to find it somewhere....on some page..but all my eyes met with were dumb portrayals of supposedly happening news...and all the crime shit! there was a full length article by shobha de..on how bipasha basu had got a boob job done!!!
do we wanna read this?? isn't 'Delhi times' a bigger pest already! what a pain...
let me explain this ....
a few years ago..the times of India used to be my object of affection....just ..for the simple reason that it was so innovative and so creative...i just had to -had to read it before i even brushed! then the catastrophic makeover happened...."he & she" [the Sunday magazine] changed to "times life!" which is nothing but a shitty glossy advertisement- filled magazine ! i hated it, but i remained calm!

those of u who were avid readers would recollect...that earlier the mind over matter section used to have short stories from across the world..by great acknowledged authors as well as worthy readers who were even more worthy contributors....they were enlightening and delightful reads...then came Mr. deepak chopra!!! boom! it all became a commercialised zen page!! they call THAT zen????
does that guy even know what being un materialistic is all about?? he ruined it! deepak chopra = evil devil.
i survived that too.i mean i still had speaking tree and swaminomics.
recently when shashi tharoor started his column...i was beyond myself with glee.
i love this guy! and getting to read his thoughts and expressions on a weekly basis..cudnt have been better! i exclaimed:
"right! so finally someone knocked some sense into these people! wow!"
but then that was just a momentary phase of being sensible i guess...
they removed quotable quotes this weekend!!!
I'm sure its some commercial gimmick by that deepak-moron-chopra! he must be starting another "interactive " column! bullshit!

i long for the days when Sunday times used to be so enthralling and pious! i never liked the weekday papers anyway...but the Sunday one was like worth keeping for years..i still have torn articles from teh wise and soulful yesteryears[so i would like to call them]. now its just money -fortune-commercialisation.

why is 'sinking into mediocrity' not a concern for them? why cant they realise that writing is one aspect of art which, if gets over shadowed by commercial gains...gets destroyed...or for that matter..all realms of art.
you have to conserve the sanctity of it....its something like the innocence of a 12 year old girl...if its lost ..its lost forever...
if i could just make myself audible to these jackasses...i would make them understand what they're losing ...for starters..I'm not reading it now.
I'm just not.I'm just so done with it.
art ain't art if it loses its soul.only if they would listen.
*sigh*

i also made an important discovery today....the b block park in my sector where i haven't been before is like a paradise found! its like the garden in the movie notting hill! the benches call on me...they beckon me to come and read there...i have always had a fascination with park benches...the wrought iron ones with the smooth curved edges or the wooden ones with the carved sides...they have always meant serenity to me...something about them is just so attractive..they are so still and have been like that for years...have had old people rest on them...homeless beggars sleep on them...tired joggers relax on them love lorn idiots wait on them[ right okay..love lorn sweethearts..okay now?] ...

i have decided that whenever i get time..I'm gonna take a book and curl up on one of those beauties and pause for a moment to absorb all the stillness of the place..
taking it all and not- missing- a -moment!

"the object of my affection"


this is why i love lance armstrong:
"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."

(photo courtesy:anna)

Contentment Seeketh

"...My salad days, When I was green in judgment, cold in blood..." - William Shakespeare, Antony and Cleopatra

hmmm...as i see it...im sittin here..entirely and totally displeased.
umm..no please dont get any ideas why..i don like it when people assume what i'm gonna say..cz its so hopelessly wrong the whole time....
i have discovered that life is the most impossible thing to handle. and contentment the hardest to sought.
right. one moment something happens to u ...and then u swear to god u will not let it happen again..and then u tell yourself that it wont happen if u don't let it happen...and then eventually it does happen and the whole point is lost.
what I'm talking might sound so excessively pointless ...since i cannot explicitly talk abt it..but the crux of the matter is :its a tough thing just to remain happy!

i wonder with all the wondering cells in my being as to why the basic requisite of our existence and the most elementary need of mankind ,"happiness" is so hard to seek?
when we take upon paths of revenge or similar stuff...are we destroying ourselves or are we liberating ourselves??
why are the hardest battles we fight against the people we love the most...when its should be with our hard sworn enemies?
why has the world been at war since i dono how many centuries when all everyone desires is peace?? okay...this is going to the next level.
but all i have been able to figure out is that wats basic is the most strenuous to achieve!
alright this was just another lame attempt at another lame personal post tryin to get the ambiguity out of the scene but hell! i can afford to be goddamn held up cz this godforsaken is supposed to be my blog!

though i have sent a number of questions into the void right now[ if u guys know any of them..please feel free to enlighten the rest of human race] but i would hold the followin facts to be self evident ..from now on [sorry for stealin ur words mr.jefferson....]

ah...lets not make this formal..but i want everyone to know what i took 17 yrs to figure out:
1.i have discovered that the more u try to do something..the more it doesn't happen.
2.i have figured out that the best way to remain happy is to not seek happiness.
3.i have discovered that its best to be patient .patience srslee is the utmost virtuous attribute.
4.i have found out that the only way i can stay un affected is by not letting it affect me[ what...no what did i say...so u see...I've lost it already]
5.i have begun to realise that when they say "everything in life happens for a reason "...they really mean it.
6.i have discovered that Kurt Cobain was right when he said :
"I'm so happy because today I found my friends - they're in my head."
7. i have realised that life is not gonna be the same forever...
8. i have realised that what I'm realising right now will soon be forgotten by me and i will revert back to what i was up to [ thats y i blog silly]
9. but i also know that deep inside i will prevent it from happening this time.[who am i foolin?]
10. i 've realised that its always better to be cold and forgiving rather than attached and hung upon.
11. i have realised that this post is what happens to me when I'm thinking a lot.
12.i have realised that basically we should just learn one thing in life...
"to let go".
13. i have realised that when u hit some particular button accidentally the whole post vanishes... but thanks to blogger...its auto saved.[alright this din take 17 yrs!]
14.i have realised that without the swings in life..it would be sad and pointless and risk free ...but wud be like a flat road to nowhere.
15. i have realised that one small effort in the rigtht direction can make a herculean difference to all the wrong ones .


well...i think a lot and introspection can be injurious to health.
by the way...I'm the type of person who will never accept the fact that a movie/song/writer/book is good till i cannot testify for it myself...so when i saw the fast and the furious today...i told myself ...people CAN make sense sometimes.


PS notice the world of difference that one yellow happy face makes to the hundreds of blue sullen ones. see what i mean??

PPS I'm gonna avoid using caps so often from now on..cz as it turns out...it can annoy people!
:)
take care everyone.




passing thought:
"its unbelievable how things change in a minute"
.the doors

a picture is worth a thousand words

words fail me!

alright folks....
I've been pestered a lot lately but i wont freak out here...parents have a weird way of making u feel important....strangely when i ask my mom to talk to me she has no time..and when i ask her to leave me alone..she starts off with "mommy praehin".
i am thoroughly confused!!

well..today has been quite an awesome day..cz i found out the exact Calvin strips that read my mind right now! shoo..don dare go see it..read the damn blog first !
ah i guess y' ppl don listen...and for those of u who still resisted..be proud of yourself cz ure gonna reach ur ultimate destiny in life! may the force be with you!
hehe...

well...as i said earlier...my mom has been pestering me..i am above 18 and I'm allowed to do whatever i want ..still bein the most extraordinarily amazing daughter as i am..i still tell my mom an account of all i do and obey her quite possibly..all the time...[I'm cool..y'all know]

so okay i had vodka at TGIF the other day..actually..i din have it myself...my friends pushed me...so i took a sip! that's it...and then i did the fatal most grotesque mistake..i came home and told my mom about it....
bang!! the rambling started...but then since she's a cool mom..she maintained her ever calm demeanour and explained stuff to me ..as a result of it..i have promised her that I'm not consuming alcohol for the rest of my life which is an honest promise.[cz i hated it anyway]
but u know one thing leads to another and then the unfortunate moment came..the one which all of us dread!! y' know what i mean!
what started out as supposedly an "easy" conversation drained the hell outta me and i was choking!
an excerpt:

mom: when u go to college...u'll have ppl pushing u for stuff..its on u how u handle it..we 're not gonna be thr to guide u forever!
[ right! i know what i have to do! im a nice kid u know that..now stop it ...pls don't go THERE]
mom: so u see beta...us is very distracting ..ppl do anything and everything there..what u have to keep in mind is that u re from a good family and ure a good person..and that ure thr to study...life is a box of chocolates....u pick the one u want!
[okay mom...now u're gonna read out quotes from Forrest gump..nice...HEAVEN]
mom: y'know they have open sex!
[tada!!! i knew it!]
mom: but u have to know ur roots and always be the sweetheart u are....and y' know what...if u keep telling me everything like this..I'm gonna be able to guide u well..so always seek advice from me..moms are ur best friends!
[ ya mom! but then best friends are supp to be 17 yrs old! ]
dad arrives;
LONG PAUSE
he entered conversation
i ran for the door.

phew!

[ try savin the strip and enlarge it on fax viewer for understanding text]
......


and well.. i saw hp5! and all i wanted to do was puke!
point to be taken: never watch a movie based on a book at least not after reading the book!
it was apparently the most disappointing of all of themm..alright listen to this..
when i read the book..i cried and cried and cried when sirius died! and in the movie..i was so taken aback by the hurried death ..i had no time to react!
poor soul just dies and harry is sullen for a zillionth fraction of a second!
right! he's supposed to be his godfather! i mean he showed more expression when Cedric died!'
and the kiss??? i mean thr is more chemistry when emraan hashmi [the most unattractive person on the planet..potential biggest loser] kisses the new chick on the block! and they took 31 takes???? was it that difficult for cryin out loud??
all i wanted to say was..get a grip !
guess I'm gonna leave it at this...cz I'm more interested in other things than writing reviews on worthless movies.

cheers!

PS while browsing Calvin n Hobbes ...i also found this extremely thought provoking[i found it that way] and a very philosophical strip which i'd liek all of u to see and think over.
PPS maybe u're right udit!

its not weird.its pure.

i adore emerald green ink.
more so when its freshly out from the pen...the shining
scintillating wet emerald green ink on paper surface makes the world go round
for me! its a pity that most of us prefer royal blue...which is again a perfectly
respectable color and acquires the same affection which i bestow on emerald green.
but again royal blue will be royal blue and can never possibly even begin to resemble
emerald green and i have something for emerald green so i am negatively partial to royal blue....before i begin to sound like a maniac ..let me explain the reason De etre for this extremely unusual "ink -love " today.

well....the past couple of weeks have been utterly dry as far as writing is concerned,i have written more than 3 posts but found none suitable enough for this space. random they were but greatly profound .as always.[flattery works for me] :P but they were too intense ..and too revealing which is perhaps the most characteristic trait of my writing after digression that is.

today i decided to spend my day at the attic..this teeny tiny wooden room where all ur wrecked an ol stuff lies...as i was laying my 12Th grade books to rest ...i found myself scheming though really antique things..like my juniors school diaries...
sketch pens..drawing scrapbooks...u know the ones were uve just filled the pages with circles....
if u've ever been to a beginners' drawing lesson..like in kindergarten or something..u will perhaps recollect that the first thing they make u do is draw circles...innumerable number of circles...basically done to perfect the art of drawing round figures....then, it definitely was a pain in the neck..like:
" dude!! when do i get to actually do something meaningful here?"
but now it seems so cute and lovable..really.loverly.
:)
i even saw stacks of pencil cases!! i was obsessive about collecting them! i had every design possibly available in the market! i remember once in 3rd grade this particularly gaudish girl in my class got this daisy duck pencil box to school..i approached her and interrogated her about the source of this exquisite piece of tin art! she answered in the most commonplace and ridiculous manner
" someone gifted it to me"
gimme a break!!
whats with people...if they don't wanna tell u where they got something from y cant they use some other line than the stereotypical gift one!!!
oh it grosses me out!! big time!
eventually i pestered my mom to search the entire delhi and buy it for me!! i just had to have it! [spoilt. i know]

i don't want u to think of this as some stupid nostalgic dead "i miss those days " post..here I'm just trying to profess my love for ..well.."stationery"
..anything..from notebooks..diaries..pencils..felt tip pens..scrapbooks...calligraphy stuff..pencils[yep i mentioned it twice..er..u wont get it]

umm..I've always been this lover of sorts more like some connoisseur of pencils...even small notebooks...I've always preferred em over long rusty registers...i have this fetish for writing on four lined notebooks..i find something irresistible abt them....i literally broke down in tears when my mom snatched away my 4 lined notebooks from me telling me to grow up..they are maybe the reason for my fabulous handwriting! :D
and aND AND wrapping paper!
ah!its such an indulgence...i can never refrain myself from buying wrapping paper! its all over the place..brown ones...printed ones...hand made ones..oh and gave u ever written on a hand made paper..the rough surface brushes the graphite away blunting it quite soon..the effect is pure perfection!! i used to even paint my own wrappin papers..and they were some success! every bday party i uesd to go to...i used to be at the recieving end of truckloads of compliments from all the uncles and aunties!!
:D :D

then the yellow ruffled pages of parchment paper!! ooo...heaven!!! and the smell of old books..i act a lil queer around em..i mean my dad used to freak out when he used to catch me in my room with an old book in hand digging my head inside it trying to inhale every possible breath intensely full with that fragrance...it used to drive him nuts and it used to make me soooo happy! another smell i greatly loved was the smell of pastel chalks..the Faber castell ones...aah!!! like if my mom got me a new set i would spend hours on end sniffing it!! it really drew my grandpa suspicious as to whether i was a reincarnation of a dog!
:(
;)
u know its like i just connect to such stuff...as i grew up..it translated into writing and reading..but the passion of being near such things has grew into an obsession..its my life..reading writin..drawing..colorin..i actually never used to sharpen my pencils back in my early years...i used to always chisel them with a blade..there is this aesthetic beauty to a chiseled pencil which a sharpened one lacks..it just cant be the same....never!

on my 11Th birthday..i asked my mom to get me a pack of charcoal pencils..no din sniff them but from there charcoal and me en trailed upon a never ending labor of love..not many people know but i am a skilled charcoal sketch artist! hehe..cut the skilled part out! :)
in junior school i got so obsessed with charcoal pencils that i refused to write with pens even on exam days ..which led me into deep trouble..but its unfair!! y cant a kid at least have the liberty to write with whatever they want??
elder people suck!!! :x

I'm happy sat wants us to use 2B pencils..it was a sheer delight to write my essay! the "10" is an electrifying testament testifyin the fact that people do well at jobs they delight in!! ;)
sometimes i feel like I'm some philosophical wizard type person stuck in here..i should have taken birth in the feather pens and parchment rolls era!! no srslee....i should have.
as a matter of fact...i just took to writing and reading as easily as a fish to a pond.
am i born to be a writer??
my dad breaks into his usual grunting laugh whenever i mention this!
he says" no dahlin..u're gonna end up being a stationary retailer"
RUDE!!
i fervently protest!!

u don really know where u'll land up..
u need to recognise what ure made of! what ure born to do? what are u incomplete without??
not that i am some wizard at this... but i see my self finding myself !
saw good will hunting today..and i couldn't agree more:

Will: Beethoven, okay. He looked at a piano, and it just made sense to him. He could just play.
Skylar: So what are you saying? You play the piano?
Will: No, not a lick. I mean, I look at a piano, I see a bunch of keys, three pedals, and a box of wood. But Beethoven, Mozart, they saw it, they could just play. I couldn't paint you a picture, I probably can't hit the ball out of Fen way, and I can't play the piano.
Skylar: But you can do my o-chem paper in under an hour.
Will: Right. Well, I mean when it came to stuff like that... I could always just play.

u just need to be able to do it.
effortlessly.


PS velvety wrappin papers...I'm OBSESSED!!

"the question is ...who is to be master..thats all."

today is a historical day...because today..i mastered the art of eatin with chopsticks! yes i can now do it with perfection and flair! thank you...
now lets get to the point:

wokay folks...am back....this long hiatus can be blamed on ..well...my sheer laziness and short lived interest in things...u see..friends...im the sort of person that will actually grow tired and uninterested of almost anything! no srslee..
after long un worthy hours on facebook and the likes..and of course worthy hours of blogging..i ve gotten so goddamn f**kin bored of it..that i don even wanna surface on teh net...
this being one of the most ridiculous traits of mine...has had its toll on me....er...neva mind!

so I've read a number of weird ..books in this 2 week long haul.
the weirdest one being ...
Linda Goodman's sun signs.
i know...i read a BOOK ON ASTROLOGY???
faints.
I've realised that she basically finds out good stuff abt every zodiac and writes in a sheepish and cloyingly sweet manner ..too much for me to take!
i cannot bring myself to agree with the fact that i can be all the following and a lot more ...
charming.
and lovable.
and ambitious
and convincing
and passionate
and authoritative
and shy
and BLEH
got my point???
y do ppl even bother reading such utter trash on astrology?? i prefer my math 2C books any day!
but all wasn't bad...i read atlas shrugged which is, as I've said a million times over "phenomenal"
I'm gonna devote a full post to it..as my own gesture of respect and admiration.

people aren't really aware but I'm a serious party goer...i mean i can frequent stuff like 'meet ups' almost 7 days a week, yea!
my folks and me were invited to this uber cool dinner and vodka nite the other day..ya there were cute guys but i don give a rats' ass!
i met this admiral "i don rber the name" who retired like 8 yrs ago...he was mind blowing! we talked for hours on end..abt F1 ..football...books...barack obama[ by teh way i think I'm gonna have a tough one to choose bw he and Hilliary...not that the future depends on my choice but hell!! let me feel important]
i really like intellectually stimulating people who can make witty conversations. dumb studs are a big no no!
there was a DJ ...so as always i went wild..danced for 4 hrs non stop! another trait of nutty delhi djs ..they are gonna play beedi jalayle umpteen number of times ..and the only time when its not bein played will be when kajra re is bein played!! no srslee...what is wrong with them???
by the way... to my utter disbelief and horror...i found myself starin at teh tv screen dumbfounded yesterday night...there is a new movie called cash which has an equally appalling track called mind blowin mahia!!!!
to express meself in hindi movie protocol i wud say "ye sun ne se pehle main mar kyun nai gayi" :(

and I'm in an exceptional mood today!
let me explain:
1) i stayed up till 3 last nite to catch grey's anatomy..alrite...i was awake and it aired on TV..i din stay up for it buh watev...and in the mornin i come to know that some stupid soap called ugly betty is gonna replace its time slot!
2) i just dropped my already "about to break open any moment" cell fone the 57645495079 time ...whats with me?
3) my mom informed me with a very cordial smile that I'm not getting my iphone before i get into college which is next fall!!
4)the word of the day is "magnanimous"! are u kiddin me?? what kinda person wouldn't know that word?? i mean ure supp to increase our word power! fools!
5) the citibank peopel have called me 57645495079 times askin me if i want a loan! y cant i just shoot them? or y cant they just let ppl live? i DO NOT WNT A LOAN! fcuk off...
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! maybe I'm plane irritated or is it that LIFE IS SO SCREWED rite now! hopefully when i see harry potter on friday things will be okay but then that'll be a momentary lapse of reality!

ah! the other day someone asked me what my name is..and when i said anu he says with a queer angle to his face..the kind of expression which u sport when ure watchin a movie like the exorcism of emily rose....
"that cant be it..no one's name is anu...its either anupama or anuradha or somethin of the sort ...u know it has to have soemthin attached to it" and I'm lookin at the moron's face and just dwellin in my moment of superiority..and sportin a bedazzling smile on my face with an expression of sunny playfulness..the kind which will help me get away with murder: of this lesser mortal !!
thankfully i don't have a habit of blurtin out at ppl so i controlled myself and told him to mind his own business but i feel this is a serious issue!
this world is becomin full of fools who are injurious to us! they can cause heart attacks ..brain hemorrhages and what not! ppl do die of self inflicted hatred!they do.Ignorance is crippling.
anyone whose been to this blog..will notice that i have deleted all my pics from here...my fit of rage to blame...
actually I'm even growing tired of my blog name...
pls suggest somethin folks.really.

the past 2 weeks can be summarised in this verse by Lewis Carroll.

"The horror of that moment," the king went on,
"i shall never forget!"
"you will though," the queen said ,
"if u dont keep a memorandum of it." i know i blogged about all this.
umm..i dono y.

PS i can finally type without lookin at the keyboard! woah!!!! :D
PPS taj is the most wonderful wonder! thank heavens..for once the population did some good!

PPPS for those of u who are wonderin abt the significance of the title..well...simply put..this is the way linda goodman introduces my sun sign people in her book..basically one of my traits that i like. :)