"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"

Have u ever said something u really wanted to and then realise what a gruesome mistake u've committed?
let me explain...I'm one of those people who are just not able to say what they want to...i have always wanted to be able to be mean to people who 're incredulously mean to me and guess what? today i was. i was able to say the exact words in the exact phrases at the exact time i wanted to. and now i feel tortured. this always happens to me...when i say what i wanted to..i end up torturing myself...i feel terrible.i feel like a horrible person. if only i could go back in time and undo everything i did.I've decided ..I'm not gonna try and tell people what i want to. its just not my thing.wonder how some ppl can just be so brutal and rude and get away with it?

anyway...today has been an exceptional day otherwise...my part of the world has good weather, and nice windy breezes...and a slight tint of sunshine..just the way it should be...and there is no downpour ..just the hint of it...again, just the way it should be.
on my usual stroll today in the park, i finally was able to get rid of my fear of insects and held a butterfly in my hands for a fraction of a minute.
it was pure magic. i was delighted. the velvety feel of her wings and the titillating motion that it was up to... as if trying to tell me something.


i am intrigued by butterflies...they are all the same but each one unique...they are the only species so close to us human beings..we 're also all the same but each one of us is unique..they say there is always exactly one more person in the world who looks like you..wonder if I'll ever meet my twin? actually i don't want to..I'd rather believe I'm the only one blessed to look like me. :P

I've also discovered that out of all the places i like...i adore bookstores...the ones in which u can sit and read for hours ...not the ones in which the silly ppl shove u out if u stick around loitering...
bookstores are the best thing that happened to man. to me at least.
there is something so enchanting about shelves and shelves of books waiting to be read . my ultimate fantasy is to be able to own a house and have a huge library with bookshelves extending unto the ceiling. pure happiness.
i have this theory according to which our books choose us. we don't choose them.
each book knows what kind of a reader it wants and so sub-consciously when we enter a book place ..our mind leads us into te passages where our destined books lie and we end up selecting them out of the millions of books available.
isn't there something so mysteriously fascinating about it? this is the exact reason why i feel books are our best friends..they talk to us! and like all other friends..books also "choose" to be with us. I'm so ecstatic to know so many books like me..cz i keep ending up in a bookstore more often than my allowance allows!
my mother refuses to give me money cz she's aware I'll spend it all in a bookshop!
well...the book lord chose to endow me with all the precious friends...i pity the people who don't like reading.... they miss out on so much! but then it's not their fault, books don't befriend them.
pardon me for sounding un realistic..but i have my moments! when i choose to live in a fairy tale.
and i have no regrets!

i found this extremely amazing song...which so exemplifies the state of mind i have right now . its from the movie "the wizard of Oz". try to love it...
here are the lyrics:
over the rainbow:
http://www.reelclassics.com/Musicals/Wizoz/rainbow-lyrics.htm
if u want u can soothe yourself by followin the link and listenin to it yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A2Jt4WOxN8.

happy weekend people!
i hope u have it as beautiful as u want it to be.
:)

Single minded to the point of Recklessness

Maverick:" Too close for missles, I'm switching to guns".

have u ever scared yourself? no really, thats the question...like have u ever really scared you?
sometimes...we become so passionate about something that we start scaring ourselves...with our obsessiveness. i feel nothing good ever came out of normal efforts...if u want soemthing so hard...so bad ...u gotta be obsessed with it!
of late..i have realised that when i do get into somethin like really hard core! i start scarin myself...u know that feelin..
u eat with it. u sleep with it. u do everything with it in mind! i mean single minded to the point of recklessness!
what scares me is...what if THAT soemthin i desire so much leaves me feelin empty inside? i mean i've been here before. have u ever had this strong urge about somethin and then after havin it in ur hands ..u just let it slip away?
that feelin of emptiness...of not knowin what happened and not wanting to either?

i may not be makin the least sense to you people but its a serious concern for me. To me ..life is these straight words...want somethin.go get it.period.
but what after that?
what after u have that somethin? what do u do with it? what if its NOT what u wanted?? what if somethin that was supposed to leave u brimming with joy leaves u empty and devastated? well...devastated is a harsh word..i shud have thought before employin it!

if u've ever been utterly single minded abt soemthin...you'll realise u get this extreme power ...this un beating un- relenting strength inside...that makes u worthy of movin any mountain!!
when u're so indulged into somethin....the gravity of teh situation dawns on u! and all the what -ifs come into picture!
the only problem with being so immersed into things is....when u see them crashing down in front of u..when u see everythin fallin apart right under ur nose....and u cant help it! have u ever built a sand castle really fervently and with all your heart in it? and then have u seen the waves coming down on it and destryoing everything? THAT is what i'm talkin abt!

sometimes the vastness of somethin scares u...u yourself ..your own 'obsession and will' can scare u..its like the sky or maybe the water....imagine urself in teh middle of the ocean in the middle of the night with water everywhere...black water..and nowhere to go...
sometimes u really have no where to go...u cant run away from urself? and thats exactly what u want to do... u wanna escape ur thoughts! and ur own will.

anyway..of late i've been feelin thirsty all the time...wonder what it is...wonder what my system is upto? scary...eh?? :P

by the way i came to know yesterday what they do in the american slaughter houses....they take the lambs and all thsoe animals u guys love eating ....put them in boilin hot water till the time they're almost dead and then pull them out and lay them on the aseembly lines where they lie writhing in pain for a good 15 minutes and after the creatures are dead ...they're sent out to the exotic hotels where u dig a hole into ur pockets to pay for the check!
this is all it takes to make me stay off non veg forever. think abt this people! you cant do this to fellow earth in habitants. if thsi is what they do in america...i don even have teh courage to find out what happens in india!
its an issue. stop eatin it. its killin people!

passin thought:
“It is the calm and silent water that drowns a man”
-african proverb

the last long run

pre script:
this is a very random post. i switch thoughts every two sentences..that is cz i have a very queer state of mind right now. so its very weird.all weird.watev.

so...

i went for a zealous jog the other day n it was like a thinkin marathon!
does running intensify the speed of thoughts???
or is it because the blood circulation to the brain increases so u are capable of better performance? thinkwise
well..
i think therefore i am.
the role of thinkin in my life is identical to the role of gills in fish
it helps me live.

as i was approaching the last long run...i saw this guy lying on the green grass wid his lappy on the side
since im bu yin one too..i thought i shud just go n ask for advice...
im not one of those people who are painfully shy in front of strangers
infact..im just too in your face..i really don't feel shy ..ever
i do have my moments of doubt n awkwardness but nothing really deters me to go n talk to someone..i mean its no big deal for me...
so this guy had a viao (cool..i 'll have a macbook)...incidentally i know him
he's my neighbour's grandson who studies at upenn.
wow...i wud love to go to upenn..one of the most smokin' univs ever..
so i asked him wat he was upto..n he was just lyin there motionless..
i said to myself.."is he demented or deaf?"
after quite a spell..i stood up to leave...he asked me to stay
i was like...hello...i was just sittin there talkin to u n u were sort of counting the stars in sunshine!
as i found out later...he was just rethinking some of his preferences abt going back to the us..he said he wanted to come back after his phd...and do his own work..something which he yearns
I'm like..why would anyone wanna chuck the million dollar offers he's getting for something which is gonna be so unforeseeable..so erratic...but i guess thats the way life is!
infact...mine is at the top space where unpredictability is concerned....

as i went for the last run..by the way..i love last runs..they are so intense...u're totally drained...soaked in sweat..ur heartbeat can be felt on ur throat...palpitations risin..energy..!
Divine exhaustion.
all's electrifying!
i asked myself..."wat defines me?"
what do people feel like when they're near me??
surprisnigly..even when that guy dint talk a lot..there was this air around him..the sort of aura which is just individualistic..he dint tell me but i pegged that he was a philosophical sorta guy ..very indulgent..commiserative and altruistic!
so what defines me?
do the people around me define me? do i define them?
am i the kind of books i read? or the type of things i talk abt?
its been a recurring thought since quite some time now ...that y is so much that happens to em already there in a book? or shouldn't it be the other way round???
its like...someone somewhere has already experienced the stuff that i am going through..
its sometimes even haunting..for me
It's scary in the sense that it's somebody else's words and their story and how seamlessly it gets tied to mine.

has it ever happened to u that u are readin a piece of writing .like someones blog..a journal..a biography..or any book for that matter
and u feel..damn!! i feel da exact same way!
oh that happens to me so many times ..I've lost count!
one of the main reasons y i adore lance Armstrong is i genuinely relate with him..
every word he writes is straight outta my heart!
i really want him to write more...he's good at it.
people say u shud do wat ure good at...
i feel..shud we just pursue something for the sake of it..i sing well..shud i just be a singer cz I'm good at it.
evidently this is a useless topic.

sometimes i wonder lots of stuff that happens to me is not somethin i want but definitely something i can change.
right now..i lead a life which i'd rather not..is it because i've been dazed...or is it because i haven't been brave enough to battle out the odds?
i don't really want an answer.. i just wanna send this question into the void.

Pearls that swim the rift of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow I feel
For anything I feel
I'm not your rolling wheels
I'm a highway
Im not your carpet ride
I'm the sky


(again this song does it for me
not that i mind :) )

PS segolene royal lost..France is burnin..protest n riots et al..whats the purpose...u cant change it now..i really hope Hillary wins the US presidential elections..i really like her..I've read living history and again..i do identify with her..infact she inspires me so much..i can write a whole post on her..i might just.

i want a fairy tale

so it's happenin again...
its 3:45 in the mornin..n im all wide eyed n nocturnal...
well..just so u know..im a hard core insomniac..and i hate it!! its nothin im proud of..
today is one of those days when i feel like i don wanna do anything..don wanna sleep..don wanna read..don wanna dance..walk..watev...
i was recommended meditation...i tried it!
but its something i just cant do..

i'm a very "fast person"...i eat fast..i drink fast..i grew up fast..i started living alone fast...i talk fast..in fact i even got my passport made so fast..15 days flat!
anyway..point is..sitting motionless and deathly quiet ..just focusing on my breathing is a herculean task in itself ..for me!

..after having tried everything in the book ...i finally switched on the computer and put on a movie...
"you've got mail!"

as it was uploading n shit..i decided to make myself a coffee...
yup!! a coffee at 4AM...i think i have something against sleep...only a moron would have coffee when all that they want is some sleep!
i poured into my fave mug..this 'Carnegie Mellon' one my friend got for me..she did her PhD there
i would point out here..that almost everything i do is somehow related to a reason..like i make it a point to always have my coffee in this particular mug...that's because it motivates me...
i always get out from the right side of the bed cz i sort of have a conviction that its lucky for me..i always call my mom before i sleep..okay..thats simply cz i cant live one day sans hearin her voice...
back to the movie now..

you've got mail is one of the regular feel good movies...
another plus factor is that it has tom hanks in it..no points for guessing he's one of my favorites!
i have something for expressive people..i get enamoured by them..
anyway...as i was watchin the movie..i thought..
"what is that about feel good movie that makes us wanna watch them again n again?"
"why do we get a high from seeing a happy ending?"
for one...we all want a fairy tale life..a perfect life..an accomplished full life..
but live in denial..to get through the hardships...

I live in denial ..most of the times..
when i get hurt..i deny it..
when i miss someone ..i deny it..
"i cant miss her..she hurt me..i hate her!"
i deny that i feel weak sometimes..that i wanna go live with my parents..
"no mom! i'm fine..i don't miss u..u're the one whose all emotional n drenched up...big deal!! everyone has to leave the house"

livin in denial is the only way i can move on...
i cant afford feelin bad or hurt..
vulnerability is somethin frightful!
so denial!
as long as it ameliorates me...heals me...i'm just fine with it...

its a fact that every one has their weak moments..people who can hold their own in those moments are actually the strong ones..
someone who says that he's never weak..is unquestionably lying..

but there comes a point when u cant do that anymore..u cant deny any more..
when the dam just gives up and hells breaks loose..
u're in pain..
but u have to just ride it out..hope it goes away soon..u wait for it to subside..
sometimes it hurts where it hurts most..
so u deny..
n move on..
u cant change it so u ignore it..
but sometimes it gets to u! its a load of bull to take it..

mark twain rightly said..
"De-nial is not just a river in Egypt...its a freakin' ocean!"

all said n done..at the end of the day..as it comes down to it..all we really want is good to happen...all we want is a fairy-tale,a happy ending! You know how when you were a little kid ..you would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. ...and as u grow up..u see all that shattering in front of your eyes...
But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.


PS. its 5 AM..n i'm sleepy!!! woah!! i just yawned...okay..let me not get into the gory details..but its a blissful feelin...a downright awesome starry feelin..
for an insomniac! :)
:D
so i sleep.
:p

addictive

the strange thing about writing a blog or journal or sorts is that its addictive..
the moment some idea strikes u ..u just wanna write abt it
THAT. VERY . MOMENT.

its like u have this sick urge wen u just wanna grab hold of the keyboard n write it out!

so today i was in my math class...was just giving a practice test..fillin out circles with 2B pencils n chkin out some university stuff
wen suddenly i had this strong urge to write my journal
i was like fighting inside...
" do your paper..u'll fuckin ruin it"
"CONCENTRATE"
"F O C U S"

but no!!!
i guess udit 's right..i really need to start meditation!!

bah hell..
so i asked this girl sitting next to me to give a rough sheet n i started scribbling stuff right there...
this guy in my class thought that I'm writin in my PERSONAL DIARY about HIM!!!
puhhlease...first thing's first..i don't do personal diaries..i think its too sissy!!
n second:
GIMME A BREAK!
he thot i have like a crush on him..n I'm too shy to say somethin so I'm pourin my feelings out this way!!! :o:O
GIMME A BREAK AGAIN!

anyway...
you don't want to know how i did on that test..trust me!!
but i got to know that this damn thing is soooo mind bogglingly ADDICTIVE!!
woof!!!

PS for those who are wondering where that journal entry is..i lost the ppr...n then i forgot abt it..will write it again ..sometime.

PPS got the my English test paper back today!!
i did well
45/60
not bad.
since yesterday i got 38 :(
have another one tomorrow
hafta cross 50.
period.

for that I'll have to get my ass outta here n slog!!
so long!

introspection.

this is wat happens to me after:
2 bad tests and
1 hr of mom's nagging
read on..

have u ever felt like uve become da worst version f yourself?
like u cudnt have gone lower than this??
well..precisely the reason i named my blog this.
Degrading yourself in public is perhaps the most severe form of self humiliation...and of course the most hurtful.
but being me...i will not only put it all on paper..but also publish it for the whole world to see.

back to the topic.
today i felt like i had lost myself and gone far away from everything ..everything that defined "being me".
not one to ever copy someone and a firm believer of making my own laws..i from being a completely narcissistic individual became someone i totally hated.

k this is actually more than enough. i cannot embarrass myself further.
writing abut minute details of my so called worst version is something i ain't ready to do yet,i just wanna say that i hated every particle f my existence.

they say, the first step towards improvement is realisation, i believe i shud move on to the second now.

the most haunting feeling in the world is falling from grace in your own eyes,nothing absolutely nothing can be worse.

the more i write abt this..the more i feel..that one person who always sticks around you always is "you"
no mater how u feel ,abt wat u are and wat uve become...u still hang in der.


from the deep depths of self doubt only rise the magnificent highs of confidence and self esteem.
being vulnerable is the only way you can feel truly strong...the only way u can know wat strength is.
some one whose never faced failure wouldn't know wat success means..wat success is.

here's something i srslee feel:

I'm so happy today because i found my real friends....they're in my head."
-Kurt Cobain
nothing has made more sense to me. EVER.



PS this is a weird un continous depressing n random post. don expect me to write a neat one wen i feel like shit.

nothin i've ever known..

today i felt blessed.

this happens very rarely..
am a very cynical and highly pessimistic person.
one of the worst irreversible cases.


"How do I explain it when I don't know what to say
What do I do now - so much has changed"

sometimes u cant put words to ur feelings.
right now..i cant.


PS don understand any of the above?? u dun have to.


"Nothing I have ever known - has made me feel this way
Nothing I have ever seen - has made me want to stay
but here I am - ready for you
I'm turnin', I'm fallin' - I hear my home callin'
Hey - I've never felt somethin's so strong - oh no
I'ts like nothing I've ever known "