i want a fairy tale

so it's happenin again...
its 3:45 in the mornin..n im all wide eyed n nocturnal...
well..just so u know..im a hard core insomniac..and i hate it!! its nothin im proud of..
today is one of those days when i feel like i don wanna do anything..don wanna sleep..don wanna read..don wanna dance..walk..watev...
i was recommended meditation...i tried it!
but its something i just cant do..

i'm a very "fast person"...i eat fast..i drink fast..i grew up fast..i started living alone fast...i talk fast..in fact i even got my passport made so fast..15 days flat!
anyway..point is..sitting motionless and deathly quiet ..just focusing on my breathing is a herculean task in itself ..for me!

..after having tried everything in the book ...i finally switched on the computer and put on a movie...
"you've got mail!"

as it was uploading n shit..i decided to make myself a coffee...
yup!! a coffee at 4AM...i think i have something against sleep...only a moron would have coffee when all that they want is some sleep!
i poured into my fave mug..this 'Carnegie Mellon' one my friend got for me..she did her PhD there
i would point out here..that almost everything i do is somehow related to a reason..like i make it a point to always have my coffee in this particular mug...that's because it motivates me...
i always get out from the right side of the bed cz i sort of have a conviction that its lucky for me..i always call my mom before i sleep..okay..thats simply cz i cant live one day sans hearin her voice...
back to the movie now..

you've got mail is one of the regular feel good movies...
another plus factor is that it has tom hanks in it..no points for guessing he's one of my favorites!
i have something for expressive people..i get enamoured by them..
anyway...as i was watchin the movie..i thought..
"what is that about feel good movie that makes us wanna watch them again n again?"
"why do we get a high from seeing a happy ending?"
for one...we all want a fairy tale life..a perfect life..an accomplished full life..
but live in denial..to get through the hardships...

I live in denial ..most of the times..
when i get hurt..i deny it..
when i miss someone ..i deny it..
"i cant miss her..she hurt me..i hate her!"
i deny that i feel weak sometimes..that i wanna go live with my parents..
"no mom! i'm fine..i don't miss u..u're the one whose all emotional n drenched up...big deal!! everyone has to leave the house"

livin in denial is the only way i can move on...
i cant afford feelin bad or hurt..
vulnerability is somethin frightful!
so denial!
as long as it ameliorates me...heals me...i'm just fine with it...

its a fact that every one has their weak moments..people who can hold their own in those moments are actually the strong ones..
someone who says that he's never weak..is unquestionably lying..

but there comes a point when u cant do that anymore..u cant deny any more..
when the dam just gives up and hells breaks loose..
u're in pain..
but u have to just ride it out..hope it goes away soon..u wait for it to subside..
sometimes it hurts where it hurts most..
so u deny..
n move on..
u cant change it so u ignore it..
but sometimes it gets to u! its a load of bull to take it..

mark twain rightly said..
"De-nial is not just a river in Egypt...its a freakin' ocean!"

all said n done..at the end of the day..as it comes down to it..all we really want is good to happen...all we want is a fairy-tale,a happy ending! You know how when you were a little kid ..you would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. ...and as u grow up..u see all that shattering in front of your eyes...
But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.


PS. its 5 AM..n i'm sleepy!!! woah!! i just yawned...okay..let me not get into the gory details..but its a blissful feelin...a downright awesome starry feelin..
for an insomniac! :)
:D
so i sleep.
:p