ZZzzzz.....

today there was a write up in the times international abt how some experiments regarding survival of astronauts on mars are gonna lead to a remedy fr insomnia!!
cutting edge!!!
is it?? IS IT???
ya rite..!!
i mean what in the name of god is wrong with 'em..they can discover cures for cancer buh cant put poor people to sleep??? is it THAT difficult??

anyone whose been following this blog knows how painfully bereaving it is to be an insomniac and how melancholic i get about this issue.. sigghh
so as i was readin it..i configured some of my own ways to beat the insomnia devil black n blue

9 ways to get urself to go to sleep:

1. if ya have a treadmill or cross trainer at home..just get on it and exhaust yourself to death ...be near the bed so dat wen u die of exhaustion u can fall on the bed directly..that will save u from any fractures or concussions due to the fall.
2. try listenin to Bryan Adams...no offence to his delightful singing..buh i really do feel drowsy wen i listen to him(never ever ever ever switch on the radio..bloody morons will suck the life outta u..their endless blabber makes me sick)
3.pull out any book by Erich segal [preferably love story..yuck!]..it'll slowly transfer u to deep slumber..dont even think of wodehouse or dahl..u'll end up finishin the book right there and it'll be 5 am before u know(erich fans..this is just my opinion..u are free to differ)
4.ask ur grandma to tell u a story and wen she shrugs u off sayin u are too old for it ..make a puppy face. :(
5.start watching any of the nauseating k serials....or any other tv soap for dat matter...never let yourself near the remote cz then u're bound to switch the channel to the football match (by the way...epl sucks!!!)
6. go n take a nice long hot bath..trust me ..it helps!!!
7.lie on the bed..tummy side down..n start solvin math problems...don't do this after u've had3 large pizzas...u don wanna barf all over ur bed im sure!
8. lie down facing the sky..just lookin at the stars...tryin to cave in the sheer beauty and winsomenes of it all...slowly ur mind relaxes and before u know...u'll be asleep( sound too philosophical eh??..umm..jus like me!)
9. mix 3 parts of vodka 2 parts of martini and 4 parts of gin....pour it in a goblet and add one pill of sweet cyanide to it ..drink a litre of it..then u'll sleep for the rest of ur life [ er..dun try this one!!]


hope this helps ya ppl...
a legitimate endeavour to help my fellow insomniacs.


by the way...
has it ever happened to u dat u open the dictionary for looking up a word and end up lookin another 50 ,realising that u've spent 1 hour doin it??

has it ever happened to u that u ur mom asks u if u really want the iphone and that she's willin to buy it for u since u are her Lil munchkin...and u say NO??? [what the..??]

has it ever happened ...that u dial up a number and when some one speaks on the other end...u forget who u called for?

has it ever happened to u that u try to get rid of that pimple on ur nose by cursing it and next morning..it actually goes away!!

have u ever swallowed a spoonful of coffee thinkin it was bournvita??? [i srslee wept after that]
k i aint that retarded ..they were all in identical bottles and i had a blocked nose..
oh cmon...they both look da darn same!!! :(

i gess i soemtimes end up doin rather dumb things...
really dumb things.

photo courtesy:diner dog

the last long run

pre script:
this is a very random post. i switch thoughts every two sentences..that is cz i have a very queer state of mind right now. so its very weird.all weird.watev.

so...

i went for a zealous jog the other day n it was like a thinkin marathon!
does running intensify the speed of thoughts???
or is it because the blood circulation to the brain increases so u are capable of better performance? thinkwise
well..
i think therefore i am.
the role of thinkin in my life is identical to the role of gills in fish
it helps me live.

as i was approaching the last long run...i saw this guy lying on the green grass wid his lappy on the side
since im bu yin one too..i thought i shud just go n ask for advice...
im not one of those people who are painfully shy in front of strangers
infact..im just too in your face..i really don't feel shy ..ever
i do have my moments of doubt n awkwardness but nothing really deters me to go n talk to someone..i mean its no big deal for me...
so this guy had a viao (cool..i 'll have a macbook)...incidentally i know him
he's my neighbour's grandson who studies at upenn.
wow...i wud love to go to upenn..one of the most smokin' univs ever..
so i asked him wat he was upto..n he was just lyin there motionless..
i said to myself.."is he demented or deaf?"
after quite a spell..i stood up to leave...he asked me to stay
i was like...hello...i was just sittin there talkin to u n u were sort of counting the stars in sunshine!
as i found out later...he was just rethinking some of his preferences abt going back to the us..he said he wanted to come back after his phd...and do his own work..something which he yearns
I'm like..why would anyone wanna chuck the million dollar offers he's getting for something which is gonna be so unforeseeable..so erratic...but i guess thats the way life is!
infact...mine is at the top space where unpredictability is concerned....

as i went for the last run..by the way..i love last runs..they are so intense...u're totally drained...soaked in sweat..ur heartbeat can be felt on ur throat...palpitations risin..energy..!
Divine exhaustion.
all's electrifying!
i asked myself..."wat defines me?"
what do people feel like when they're near me??
surprisnigly..even when that guy dint talk a lot..there was this air around him..the sort of aura which is just individualistic..he dint tell me but i pegged that he was a philosophical sorta guy ..very indulgent..commiserative and altruistic!
so what defines me?
do the people around me define me? do i define them?
am i the kind of books i read? or the type of things i talk abt?
its been a recurring thought since quite some time now ...that y is so much that happens to em already there in a book? or shouldn't it be the other way round???
its like...someone somewhere has already experienced the stuff that i am going through..
its sometimes even haunting..for me
It's scary in the sense that it's somebody else's words and their story and how seamlessly it gets tied to mine.

has it ever happened to u that u are readin a piece of writing .like someones blog..a journal..a biography..or any book for that matter
and u feel..damn!! i feel da exact same way!
oh that happens to me so many times ..I've lost count!
one of the main reasons y i adore lance Armstrong is i genuinely relate with him..
every word he writes is straight outta my heart!
i really want him to write more...he's good at it.
people say u shud do wat ure good at...
i feel..shud we just pursue something for the sake of it..i sing well..shud i just be a singer cz I'm good at it.
evidently this is a useless topic.

sometimes i wonder lots of stuff that happens to me is not somethin i want but definitely something i can change.
right now..i lead a life which i'd rather not..is it because i've been dazed...or is it because i haven't been brave enough to battle out the odds?
i don't really want an answer.. i just wanna send this question into the void.

Pearls that swim the rift of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow I feel
For anything I feel
I'm not your rolling wheels
I'm a highway
Im not your carpet ride
I'm the sky


(again this song does it for me
not that i mind :) )

PS segolene royal lost..France is burnin..protest n riots et al..whats the purpose...u cant change it now..i really hope Hillary wins the US presidential elections..i really like her..I've read living history and again..i do identify with her..infact she inspires me so much..i can write a whole post on her..i might just.

of may showers and unexpected bliss

"Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain."

:)
now i think I'm gonna finally trust the weather people..this woman on ndtv predicted it'll rain..n i was like..ya rite!!
this is Delhi! dude...it doesn't even rain wen its supposed to...
so i left my house at 8:15 in the nite for my customary routine walks..

i have this queer weird fetish for walks..curiously... wen its windy..
and the most peculiar things of all is that i never carry money when i leave the house..so that if god forbid i get stuck somewhere...like wen there's an earthquake or if aliens from mars attack!!
in that case...i make sure that there are all arrangements advisable n possible that i remain there..stuck forever!

today, it was another languid scorching hot summer day in Delhi.
have u ever worn slippers that have a thin sole [ pardon the irregularity of thoughts..i tend to shift focus here n there...my writing style defies all laws of uniformity]
well..so...i wore one of my fave beige flip flops today..
thing is..the sole is almost 2 mm thick..so i practically have no shoes on!
i realised the importance of a thick sole today when i walked on the furnace like hot roads...i felt like the heat was gonna penetrate me n burn up every thin ...
the ground literally exhales heat!!! :(

has anyone seen star wars..[here i go again...switching topics comes as easy to me as music to Beethoven..Milton must be turnin in his grave][using Milton's example cz i admire his exemplary flow of ideas and exceptionally lyrical phrasing]
anyway..so if u would have noticed..when Darth Vader speaks...thers's a sort of grunting whoosh -whoosh sorta noise...as if he's not talking...but exhaling in huge frightful tones..
hope u get the point...
so i felt the ground was emulating Darth Vader today!!
i guess ppl are right..
i do have one heck of a weird imagination!

so after an unfortunate encounter with the blistering red hot ground..i came home n lay in bed..tryin to apologise to my feet for the devastating experience i made them go through..
i was sort of tryin to tell dem:
"i swear i wont wear those ones in summer again! i promise...I'll wear sneakers...!"
for people who think I'm eccentrically bizarre n weird
u might just be right!

as i carried on an apologetic converse with moi feet...it unanticipatedly became windy...i mean it was boiling up a minute ago n it became all nice n windy all of a sudden..maybe nature gods were remorseful too!
but the sky looked clear...
i left home with not even a single coin in my pocket[i changed my slippers..for Christ's sake...I'm not that vicious n brutal]
just took my cell phone..THANKFULLY!
i started off and soon got adrift in thoughts...
i almost came 3 km from home when i it started raining..
"wow!!!" i told myself, "i love walking in the rain!!"
but considering the kind of people there are in Delhi..
u really have to be a complete moron to be walkin in the rain alone at 9 in the night on long deserted roads..
anyone whose lost his will to live would do that!!!
i mean its completely insanely awfully unsafe!!

but that ambiance!!
i mean when u feel the rain drops on ur skin and the water beneath ur feet..u seriously don't care whose doin wat! n which pervert is staring at u goggle eyed and so on..
especially when it strikes u unexpectedly...utter bliss!

another thing i like about Delhi rains is..when it does..its also windy
so as u become wet..the process of evaporation also starts...which in turn makes u feel cool!
cmon guys..we did this in junior school..evaporation causes cooling!
alright i know..u all know this..I'm just try in to act nimble! :D

as i was dwelling in my moments of sheer euphoria..the phone bell rang...my mom howling on the other end askin me to return home...
i tried to calm her down n tried to explain to her that i din have money..n that i would have to walk home!
anyway..my mom started getting panic attacks so i promised her that i would sacrifice the pleasure I'd gain from walking in this rain n come back home in a rickshaw!

but i realised there's something about being surprised...
i mean its even scientifically proven that when a person gets surprised..the body releases hormones which make u feel exhilarated!
and nature surprised me today!
boy, was it great!!

they say..."some of life's best gifts...are the unexpected ones!!"
amen to that.

PS another unexpected startling news...
i read in toi today that schumi is considerin a comeback..( yippeee...yabadabadoo) :P
oh please schumi....come back!! nail dat fuctard Spaniard! Alonso watev!!

wordless friday

is there anythin called a wordless day??
today is the first occasion in a number of days that i feel that i have nothin to write..
ordinarily I'm beaming with ideas...

over time..this writin thing has transformed for me from a leisure pursuit to an obsession to a thing that lets me detach..lets me liberate..lets me stress out...
after a long day...i get back home..n even before i eat or carry on my mundane chores..i write.
talkin of long days...today i had a long but accomplished one.
from a good test to an even better essay..
my essay was read out aloud n appreciated...
i love appreciation ..i thrive on it..

as a kid..i was always this girl who got everythin right!
school prefect...debate team prez...choir leader...dance troupe member..swimming club member...you name it!!
things changed in high school though
i was the perennial topper till tenth...somethin silly got to me in eleventh n twelfth grades..im never gonna be able to forgive myself for lettin under-achievements rule me out in the two yrs...
though its painfully self humiliating to accept all this in public but then thats the way i am... self critical to the core.
i am earnestly my most fervent critique.
anyway..
so today..i had THAT feelin again..
the greatest feeling is to be a winner..
the enthralling "world at your feet" thing u feel after u've acheived some feat can never be compensated by anythin else...its irreplaceable...

the thing abt being a winner is...it spoils u..
u crave for that brilliant feelin to which u were witness...and it stays with u forever..that feelin needs to be replicated...u want it back!
thats wat happened today...was like a whiff of nostalgia..
somethin i craved for...
i want it all back!
every goddamn bit of it!!

this excerpt from LOTR puts my thoughts to words accurately:

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king. "

and people ask me why i love lotr?
well..precisely my point.

PS funny how ive written so much when i feel I'm wordless today!
:D
PPS the picture here symbolises the "pull up ur socks" spirit!
want somethin, go get it. period.

i want a fairy tale

so it's happenin again...
its 3:45 in the mornin..n im all wide eyed n nocturnal...
well..just so u know..im a hard core insomniac..and i hate it!! its nothin im proud of..
today is one of those days when i feel like i don wanna do anything..don wanna sleep..don wanna read..don wanna dance..walk..watev...
i was recommended meditation...i tried it!
but its something i just cant do..

i'm a very "fast person"...i eat fast..i drink fast..i grew up fast..i started living alone fast...i talk fast..in fact i even got my passport made so fast..15 days flat!
anyway..point is..sitting motionless and deathly quiet ..just focusing on my breathing is a herculean task in itself ..for me!

..after having tried everything in the book ...i finally switched on the computer and put on a movie...
"you've got mail!"

as it was uploading n shit..i decided to make myself a coffee...
yup!! a coffee at 4AM...i think i have something against sleep...only a moron would have coffee when all that they want is some sleep!
i poured into my fave mug..this 'Carnegie Mellon' one my friend got for me..she did her PhD there
i would point out here..that almost everything i do is somehow related to a reason..like i make it a point to always have my coffee in this particular mug...that's because it motivates me...
i always get out from the right side of the bed cz i sort of have a conviction that its lucky for me..i always call my mom before i sleep..okay..thats simply cz i cant live one day sans hearin her voice...
back to the movie now..

you've got mail is one of the regular feel good movies...
another plus factor is that it has tom hanks in it..no points for guessing he's one of my favorites!
i have something for expressive people..i get enamoured by them..
anyway...as i was watchin the movie..i thought..
"what is that about feel good movie that makes us wanna watch them again n again?"
"why do we get a high from seeing a happy ending?"
for one...we all want a fairy tale life..a perfect life..an accomplished full life..
but live in denial..to get through the hardships...

I live in denial ..most of the times..
when i get hurt..i deny it..
when i miss someone ..i deny it..
"i cant miss her..she hurt me..i hate her!"
i deny that i feel weak sometimes..that i wanna go live with my parents..
"no mom! i'm fine..i don't miss u..u're the one whose all emotional n drenched up...big deal!! everyone has to leave the house"

livin in denial is the only way i can move on...
i cant afford feelin bad or hurt..
vulnerability is somethin frightful!
so denial!
as long as it ameliorates me...heals me...i'm just fine with it...

its a fact that every one has their weak moments..people who can hold their own in those moments are actually the strong ones..
someone who says that he's never weak..is unquestionably lying..

but there comes a point when u cant do that anymore..u cant deny any more..
when the dam just gives up and hells breaks loose..
u're in pain..
but u have to just ride it out..hope it goes away soon..u wait for it to subside..
sometimes it hurts where it hurts most..
so u deny..
n move on..
u cant change it so u ignore it..
but sometimes it gets to u! its a load of bull to take it..

mark twain rightly said..
"De-nial is not just a river in Egypt...its a freakin' ocean!"

all said n done..at the end of the day..as it comes down to it..all we really want is good to happen...all we want is a fairy-tale,a happy ending! You know how when you were a little kid ..you would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. ...and as u grow up..u see all that shattering in front of your eyes...
But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.


PS. its 5 AM..n i'm sleepy!!! woah!! i just yawned...okay..let me not get into the gory details..but its a blissful feelin...a downright awesome starry feelin..
for an insomniac! :)
:D
so i sleep.
:p

so what do we do?

there was an article in the times of India a couple of days ago..in fact it made the front page...
it said..that we've got 8 yrs to take care of our mother earth otherwise global warming is gonna get us...
most of us must've flipped through it ..but lets all think about it!
its important to us..

So what do we do ?
please think and suggest.
First you have to understand that the things are seriously going wrong at all levels.
Global warming is just the beginning.
No panic as yet.
The environmentalists are giving you a scare.

but THINK ABT IT!!

the best dayumm thing

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us Five!

what happens when too many head strong people have to live together???
we ...are a family of 5 ppl...dad mom n 3 sisters...
my elder sis is married..but i still lik callin us 5!

this cousin sister of mine...has her husband in the army..these people got transferred to mathura..so my great parents decided we must all pay them a visit since holidays are on!
and here is the worst part...it is supposed to be a ROAD TRIP!!!

okay..so i love road trips...but being in the same car with my sisters for a number of hours is what i call- AGONISING and TORTURESOME!!!

let me explain..
this is us five :

dad: someone who speaks really seldom and almost in whispers. i feel people listen harder when someone is whispering..
dad is the sort of person whose always into his books,medical journals and stuff like that. all he wants from his three daughters is intellectual thinking and a brilliant Gk! he's obsessed with it! every mornin ..our breakfast time is more lik a quiz hour!

mom: easily the most caring ,controlled ,hard working,workaholic and soft spoken person i have ever come across. mom is the stereotypical gynaecologist who has absolutely no time and sleeps 3 hrs a night..but breakfast time is crucial to her...all she wants from us is..to eat peacefully ...a lot of food(a lot)and not bring our newspapers,novels and harry potters to the table. she hates all three of us ..u'll find out why.

my Di: she is what i call a perfect blend of beauty brains and wit. anu Di is genuinely a very gifted person and knows how to make most of her talents. she's a voracious reader and always comes to the table with her copy of toi in hand and her glasses on her nose. mom hates her because she never puts the paper down and hardly eats.

me: i am the middle one and the most complicated. i am the apple of my mom's eye :D. easily the most loved and the most loathed. loved by mom n dad. thoroughly detested by my two sisters,we have a cold war on almost all days of the year except my bday when its a prerequisite for them to be nice if they want some cake.
i always have a book in my hand but i put it down when my mom wants me to since i am willingly complaint at my mom's orders.
[ this is my blog so its evidently partial towards me :P]

louie: my younger sis aka the trouble maker..she is the quintessential pain in the ass....always getting on my last nerve which also makes her my elder sis' favorite pesron in the world since she is spontaneously following in her footsteps in the task of making my life hell.

so every mornin at our table is like a typical parliament session..where dad is throwin gk questions in the air and all of us competing to get the most number of answers correct in turn becoming dad's favorite...mom is yellin at us somewhere in the background asking us to finish the bowl of sprouts [yuck!!]
me n my sister have our newspapers laid out in front of us so that the moment mom looks away..we can catch a glimpse of some good write ups...and my lil sis is as usual reading her stupid tin- tins which she has borrowed from my old collection. none of us want each others company and just want to do our own thing...he he. but since mom gets all sentimental and starts with her usual ...

"when u girls will get married..as it is papa n i have to live alone..at least let us cherish the moments we have together"
amen.

but now they are asking us to stuff ourselves in one car so that we have to compulsively tolerate eath other's heinous acts of self obsession and we wont be able to escape.
we cant help it ..but we wil have to do it since this is something close to my parents' heart...and its not everyday that we can be together with all of us living in different parts of the world.

i believe my next post will be from mathura after i have successfully managed to save myself from my brain dead sisters.

heaven bless me.

conversation

mom: so what are u upto?
me: i was writing my blog.
mom: how's prep goin on?
me: okey dokey...but not really great!
mom: y not?
me: because im not doin it full time..quite a lot of time is wasted on the net
mom: y?
me: cz i like it
mom: is that good enuf a reason?
me: i think so..well..i dono.
mom:shut up! its not! go n study!
me: okay i will...relax! btw...which lappy are u buyin finally?
mom: either macbook, lenovo or vaio.
me: aha!!! pls buy macbook...u know how crazy i am for it..if u'll buy it ..atleast i'd be able to say its mine! i mean i can just use it now n then.
mom: i wont buy it...i think i'll go for vaio.
me: y not?:(
mom: cz i'm thinkin of buyin it for if u get great marks and show me u deserve it!
me: WHAT??? wait a minute..are u tellin me that u'll buy me my own personal MACBOOK!!! [almost fainting]
mom: yes..if u show me u deserve it.
me: [speechless]
mom: okay..enough talkin..go n study.. i have to get back to work.
me: oh im leavin right this moment. luv u mom!
mom: luv u too my baby.

[puts phone down and starts writin it on blog]

THATS MY MOM FOR YOU!!!
:D

did i say I'm blessed!!!

The iPhone

so ppl ask me why do i want an iphone???
kkk
i finally decided to compile all da reasons down here and then i wont have to answer another single question:
here we go ...

1. its got three devices in one...a cell phone , Internet browser and an ipod..no wait a minute...touch screen ipod!!that means you recycle your iPod and old cell phone in favor of one converged device, leaving one pocket free for better things. Bravo Steve Jobs.

2.its got a 2mega pixel camera ..okay fine..nokia n95 has 5 but then who cares??? we've got a damn camera at home!!!

3.here on the iphone its touchscreen 24/7..u can browse through playlists ..contacts..etc just with just a fingertip!
and ..u can enlarge pictures simply by running your fingers up n down the screen!

5. the battery life will last 5 hours of talk time and video watching and if u just play songs..it Will last a whole 16hrs..
of course like always...apple hasn't put FM radio in it..but then who wants da damm morons babbling non stop!!

6.connectivity options include: bluetooth, Wi-Fi,pop3 and imap4 email..watev all that means...

7. it looks sooper dooper sexi!!!
totally arousing!!

available for a cool $600...or rs.26000...this lil piece of extraordinary technology and great looks combined can burn a huge hole in your pocket!!!

for now i believe i will just fantasizeabt it and curse all da fucktards at apple who've made this masterpiece..
and whine in front of my parents who might just buy me one!!! :D

He had me at hello

i just finished reading "its not about the bike" lik the millionth time today n i think i can read it another million times or so...
wel..
lance armstrong seems to me ..the most ideal example of my perfect human being.
i dont fantasize abt him..all i really want is to meet him once..

i think this will clarify my point..
i was watchin jerry maguire yesterday.. n in the end there;s this scene where cruise enters a room full of cynical single women goin on and on about how sucking life is and that all men are bastards!!!

so then in front of all of them...cruise goes right upto renee zellwegger and says a long dialohue ending in the infamous line...
"you ..complete me"

renee: shut up! you had me at hello!!



so that set me thinking..
am i gonna ever find a person whose gona have me at hello!!
am i ever gonna meet with a pesron who sweeps me off my feet the moment i ..well look at him..
im more of a pragmatic person so i never really have those stupid girlie fantasies...
plus my being "anti realtionships -at this age" also helps!!
but i do sometimes catch myself in the midst of these kinda thoughts after i have seen a damm romantic movie..for example prety woman.
i mean..hell!!!
do guys like that actually exist???

then lance armstrong comes to the rescue..
i find him the best combination of wat we call brains..sensitivity and attitude.
there are inumerable things i like about him.
anyone who hasnt read his book cannot understand what i m tryin to say here.
well ..watev...
point is...

who will complete me??? hehe..
i think i'm already complete.
but i would want to be more complete...
i dont really have a clue as to what im tryin to convey here..
just that ...
i wanted to write something about lance!!!
my hero..who had me at hello!!

*wink wink*
;)

Seven steps to a threesome.

again..read dis somewhere...
err...ppl actually write such stuff.
err err.. ppl actually DO such stuff.
never mind.

so da seven steps are..

1 - Buy cheap antique-like vase from thrift store.

2 - Tell girlfriend that your grandmother gave it to you and make up an elaborate and meaningful history relevant to your entire family.

3 - Wait for girlfriend to get blackout drunk. (And end up sleeping at your place)

4 - Break vase.

5 - When girlfriend wakes up, be sitting at your desk trying to glue the vase back together.

6 - Tell girlfriend that she broke the vase while she was drunk.

7 - Wait for girlfriend to say "OMG, how can I make it up to you??


hehe...
who'd fall for THAT??? :?
:p

addictive

the strange thing about writing a blog or journal or sorts is that its addictive..
the moment some idea strikes u ..u just wanna write abt it
THAT. VERY . MOMENT.

its like u have this sick urge wen u just wanna grab hold of the keyboard n write it out!

so today i was in my math class...was just giving a practice test..fillin out circles with 2B pencils n chkin out some university stuff
wen suddenly i had this strong urge to write my journal
i was like fighting inside...
" do your paper..u'll fuckin ruin it"
"CONCENTRATE"
"F O C U S"

but no!!!
i guess udit 's right..i really need to start meditation!!

bah hell..
so i asked this girl sitting next to me to give a rough sheet n i started scribbling stuff right there...
this guy in my class thought that I'm writin in my PERSONAL DIARY about HIM!!!
puhhlease...first thing's first..i don't do personal diaries..i think its too sissy!!
n second:
GIMME A BREAK!
he thot i have like a crush on him..n I'm too shy to say somethin so I'm pourin my feelings out this way!!! :o:O
GIMME A BREAK AGAIN!

anyway...
you don't want to know how i did on that test..trust me!!
but i got to know that this damn thing is soooo mind bogglingly ADDICTIVE!!
woof!!!

PS for those who are wondering where that journal entry is..i lost the ppr...n then i forgot abt it..will write it again ..sometime.

PPS got the my English test paper back today!!
i did well
45/60
not bad.
since yesterday i got 38 :(
have another one tomorrow
hafta cross 50.
period.

for that I'll have to get my ass outta here n slog!!
so long!

i dun care

Piggy on the railway, Picking up stones,
Down came an engine, And broke piggy's bones.
" Ah " said the Piggy, "That's not fair",
" Oh " said the engine driver, "I don't care".

read this somewhere...
fun n all
cool stuff.
i like.
;)

the pic here has no significance. i jus like da dam flowers.
pluemerias.
did i spell dat right???

CT scan

after a particularly shitty start to da day..
{read the previous post i wrote at 4 am. :O}

i landed up at Apollo to get a ct scan done.
Apollo is this huge thing for a hospital n has endless rooms n endless corridors n endless pathways leading to endless chambers having endless doctors.
so the doc did some sort of diagnostic test first n den told me to go to the NEXT building to get the scan done.
so da next building was like in the next city!
i walked almost a kilometer!
i love walking but in da Delhi sun!!!
no damn way!!

after an hr of panting and sweating..i finally reached the damn place.
now something good happened.. n something bad.

the bad part.
this wat i went thru. :(
a brief intro to CT scan:

Computed tomography (CT),is a medical imaging method employing tomography where digital geometry processing is used to generate a three-dimensional image of the internals of an object from a large series of two-dimensional X-ray images taken around a single axis of rotation. CT produces a volume of data which can be manipulated, through a process known as windowing, in order to demonstrate various structures based on their ability to block the X-ray beam.


they put u like in a tunnel where the flap literally touches Ur nose.
u feel so suffocated. it also makes u feel like u are srslee sick.
the whole atmosphere combined with complexity of the machines scares the living hell outta u.
u are impatiently waiting for it to end so that u can just run away into wilderness.

er...maybe i should cut down on some literature..

the good part.
i am perfectly fine.
although i dint get my scan image..this is wat it will look like.



[Normal CT scan of the head; this slice shows the cerebellum, a small portion of each temporal lobe, the orbits, and the ethmoid sinuses.]


im in a happy state right now.
reasons:
1. because my scan is fine.
2 .because i have 4 tests to do right now n im gonna bust them .
tomorrow i will have a smiling face when i come back from class. i will have all my answers correct. :)

introspection.

this is wat happens to me after:
2 bad tests and
1 hr of mom's nagging
read on..

have u ever felt like uve become da worst version f yourself?
like u cudnt have gone lower than this??
well..precisely the reason i named my blog this.
Degrading yourself in public is perhaps the most severe form of self humiliation...and of course the most hurtful.
but being me...i will not only put it all on paper..but also publish it for the whole world to see.

back to the topic.
today i felt like i had lost myself and gone far away from everything ..everything that defined "being me".
not one to ever copy someone and a firm believer of making my own laws..i from being a completely narcissistic individual became someone i totally hated.

k this is actually more than enough. i cannot embarrass myself further.
writing abut minute details of my so called worst version is something i ain't ready to do yet,i just wanna say that i hated every particle f my existence.

they say, the first step towards improvement is realisation, i believe i shud move on to the second now.

the most haunting feeling in the world is falling from grace in your own eyes,nothing absolutely nothing can be worse.

the more i write abt this..the more i feel..that one person who always sticks around you always is "you"
no mater how u feel ,abt wat u are and wat uve become...u still hang in der.


from the deep depths of self doubt only rise the magnificent highs of confidence and self esteem.
being vulnerable is the only way you can feel truly strong...the only way u can know wat strength is.
some one whose never faced failure wouldn't know wat success means..wat success is.

here's something i srslee feel:

I'm so happy today because i found my real friends....they're in my head."
-Kurt Cobain
nothing has made more sense to me. EVER.



PS this is a weird un continous depressing n random post. don expect me to write a neat one wen i feel like shit.

punkymoods...i WUV U

anyone heard f da term...havin too much on ur head!!

k check this out...

i have to :

1. babysit my lil cuz today FOR FREE..since askin for money is GREEDY acc to my aunt{greedy my ass}

2. learn 767 words exactly for my SATs on june2....

3.complete 2 one hr tests RIGHT now [in my bloggin time???] n time myself

4. go for a Ct scan since im havin headaches n dizzy spells

5. go take a head bath cz i have a grammar class wid thsi cute boy tomorrow.

6. reply to 14 emails

7. take nagging frm my mom{oh dats a task..U BET!!}

8. make myself coffeee.....

so long folks...

ps i put punky moods on my blog today!!!

one f da reasons i started blogging again!!!